The Divine Goddess Balance

(The Divine Goddess Balance)

It is moments like these that I miss smoking. Today is hot and just a little humid, and the air feels thicker than is typical of Portland. I love days like this. The air seems to rule over the land, slowing everyone down through its slight viscosity. It has been almost a year now since my last cigarette, but when I smoked it was always most satisfying on days like this. I remember the way the smoke and the air itself felt equally pungent, the heaviness of each breathed in simultaneously. The way the smoke would hang in the air after each exhale, the perfect whorls and loops suspended like clothes drying on a peg. Draped is the right word here; the smoke was draped around me like a self-made shroud, still as death until I broke the spell with some mundane motion.

I have given up many things recently, things that I once loved. Things that I could write about with equal depth and nostalgia. Smoking was not a great lover, but it was a great love of mine. Yet somehow I have reached a point in time when I have felt it necessary, imperative even, that I jettison some of my great loves from my life. Not all of them, of course, but the self-destructive ones. The ones that hold me back, that steal my health, that wrap me in a shroud at times so transfixing that I forget any sense of momentum or ambition in my life. These had to go, finally.

If I were to list my lost loves here, I would only be serving to reinforce how much I miss them. For many years, I loved to hate myself. Bad habits, bad boyfriends, bad jobs, bad houses, bad health, bad choices. Sometimes when I look back at the last 25 years, it feels like the only thing I could ever fully commit to was self-destruction.

Yet I also spent many years ardently believing that the world was unfair. I felt entitled to a better life. I looked around at my friends and family and I wanted some of their good habits, good friends, good choices, for myself. I felt that I deserved them, merely because I saw some similarities between us. Why did my sister always seem to have more friends, better boyfriends and better jobs than me? She must lead a charmed life, must have been blessed with some better karmic juju. Do you know this feeling? This feeling that somehow, or sometimes, life is just so unfair?

I believe in balance- very strongly. To me, balance is the ruling force in our universe, the divine figure- give it whatever name you want. Balance is what answers our prayers, what protects us from harm, what saves us from ourselves. No one can make bad choices forever, no one can suffer innocently, infinitely. Now, I haven't quite worked out all the different permutations of balance in our known universe. Maybe there is a karmic wheel of life, and some things just can't be balanced in one short lifetime. Maybe there is a heaven and hell, which forces us to balance our worldly deeds with other-wordly suffering or joy. Maybe we turn to dust upon death, and the only the thing we are truly responsible for is the way we treat others, reflected in the relative ease of passing into oblivion surrounded by loved ones. Maybe the answer lies in the fact that I just don't think we know all that much about the universe, after all. But none of that really matters, which is why I'm not sure why some people spend so much trying to figure it out. What matters is this: balance is inherently fair. Balance is the very essence of fairness. Balance is literally what the scales of justice represent: not fairness, not equality, but balance.

The crappy thing about balance is that it operates on its own time scale. This is incredibly hard for most people to understand or accept. That's why we demand justice, why we experience outrage when something is not fair. Life may not be fair, but I do believe it is balanced. And if we can learn to cultivate patience and acceptance, if we can learn to experience the world on a different timeline, I believe we will be blown away by the omnipotence of balance. Truly, this divine being knows all, sees your sufferings, and hears your prayers. But balance also sees your joys, and knows they cannot last. Everything is impermanent: a reality many people are happy to point out when you are going through hard times, but loathe to accept when things are good. "I will love you forever," "I will never leave this place," and "This is just who I am" are just a few examples of the kinds of statements people make, completely disregarding what they know about balance. Of course all these things will change in time, and probably not the time you would expect or feel willing to accept. Your perfect relationship might fall apart spectacularly just as you also lose your job, are diagnosed with an illness, and have recently moved to an unfamiliar place. This is not smiting from the divine figure of your personal religious persuasion, this is just balance reminding you that for many years you had a great relationship, a solid job, excellent health, and a strong support network. Unfortunately, you really can't have it all, all the time.

This used to make me feel incredibly hopeless. What's the point if everything goes away in time? If I can't take home the trophy, why play the game? Hence the commitment to self-destruction alone.

Here's what I'm discovering: hard choices bring good things. This seems to be the relationship of balance in my life. All these years, I have been taking the easy way out, not really trying for anything, and feeling unfulfilled. Likewise, it is easy to see how I have made the easy choice when things were good, to keep them just as they are for as long as it lasts. Like catching a beautiful butterfly, putting it in a glass jar, and waiting for it to die. I'm scared I'll make the wrong decision, and so I just watch the things I love die, or kill me slowly. It was really, really hard to give up smoking, but that single decision has brought many other things into greater balance in my life. It has helped me better understand my emotions, and deal with my feelings in a healthier way. It has helped curb my depression, regulate my eating habits, and rely on my friends for guidance and support when I used to turn to a cigarette to calm me down. As I continue to examine my life and jettison things that self-destructive, I find that more and more of my life is available for good things.

I don't know if it is ever really possible to achieve a state of perfect balance in this imperfect form of human, but I think it might be a more worthy and fulfilling goal than simply trying to take home the trophy. Its ok to concentrate on meeting one goal at a time, but don't be shocked or hurt if that goal isn't attainable in your time frame. Maybe you just need to let that one go for now, and focus on other things in your life. In time, the divine goddess Balance will probably surprise you with an easier way to achieve it.

For me, that one goal has been Love, for a long time. Yet I have been blessed with several great lovers in my young life. Since ending my last relationship, I've been spending far too much of my time trying to find it again, with no success. So, I'm setting that goal aside for now, and trying to focus on making the hard decisions that will lead to good things. And trying in a heartfelt way, to be open and accepting of a time scale other than my own.