Transformations

Tearfully saying goodbye to my baby brother as he departed for his new life as a freshman at Montana State University this weekend, I uncovered a profound new truth: every single member of my family is currently undergoing a significant transformational period in our lives, simultaneously. This is a strange coincidence, and yet not actually very coincidental. In fact, the reality of this truth only reinforces my heartfelt belief in the interconnectedness of our lives. The five members of my immediate family are physically (geographically) closer to one another today than we have been for over 5 years. Inevitably, our coming together means that we affect one another more profoundly; as my brother begins his life at college, my sister is starting her life as a married woman, my parents are embracing an empty nest and approaching retirement, and I am finally experiencing life as a working professional.

Transformation, then, is on my brain. Whenever I think about transformation, I always find myself preoccupied with one question: how do you recognize it as it is happening? Although some transformations are clearly demarcated, by a rite of passage or a traumatic experience perhaps, most of the time they are only truly defined through hindsight. Looking back at our life, it is easy to say that this job or that decision, or a certain relationship, was life-changing and marked the beginning or the end of a transformational period. But day to day, life usually just feels like one long noon: it is difficult to see the sunrise and sunset because nothing ever really feels that spectacular.

Often in these past few months I have found myself looking back at my time in Argentina and seeing very clearly the moments that made me stronger, more capable, and more prepared for my current circumstances. I can see the moments of realization- precisely when the lessons were taught and my struggles to put them into practice since then. Many people think that living abroad is so clearly and inarguably a life-changing experience that each imagined moment seems poignant: bursting with transformative power. Yet I can attest to the expat's reality: life in another country feels just like life anywhere when you are living it. It is like rearranging the furniture in your room: the perspective is different, but the boundaries are essentially the same. Yet now, looking back, I can see that I packed a lot of life lessons into a relatively short period of time, and kick-started this current time of transformation in my life while still in Argentina.

So what, exactly, is the nature of this transformation in my life? Well, I think it has something to do with entering the professional world for the first time in my life. I have begun to interact with others in a different way. I am more confident in my abilities than I have felt in years, maybe ever. I find myself reading "career literature" in my downtime- professional development that is suddenly voluntary. I have started to prioritize my time, with meeting deadlines and performing my job well suddenly a higher priority than hanging with friends or pursuing an unrelated hobby. I procrastinate less. I don't necessarily count down the days to the next weekend, although that still happens sometimes. I've legitimately started to think about my future more than one year at a time. I have a day planner, and I use it. I bought a shirt from Ann Taylor (albeit from a used clothing shop). And for the first time in my life, I am making enough money to afford to live alone.

While I am experiencing a slight sense of unease about many of the changes above, I am incredibly excited about the prospect of living alone. I have never, ever had a little space all my own. Until now, the closest I ever came was a rented hammock on a beach in Goa, India. The idea of living alone has been very frightening for me in the past. Alone with my thoughts, alone with my loneliness. But recently, something has changed, and I can't wait to find my own place. For some reason, I now find the idea of isolation with my own thoughts exhilarating.

I think one reason may be that I am ready to write. From about age 10, my answer to the familiar question: "What do you want to be when you grow up" has been consistent: a writer. Although I entertained the idea of journalism, I know my strengths (if any) truly lie in creative writing. Yet since graduating college, I have been so focused on the simple act of surviving that I simply haven't had time to write. Now that I am finally earning a decent wage teaching, I realize that living in a crowded house with three roommates, a giant dog, and one dirty bathroom directly outside my room is perhaps not the most ideal creative environment. I need to find some supplemental income if I'm going to make living alone sustainable, and I am hoping to find a way to make writing a part of the process. It's time to pick up the dream, dust off the cobwebs, and infuse it with some true energy and dedication.

To that end, I found a great apartment downtown: application pending. Every ten seconds or so, I find myself making a little silent wish that it all works out. I love to daydream about a quiet morning breakfast on my own balcony, writing before heading out to teach for the day. I love to daydream that I might be just as capable of becoming a successful writer as I have so recently discovered I am as a teacher. If I learned anything really helpful in Argentina, it is that fear in my life is usually a signal that I am doing something right, and I should push through that nervous energy. I was petrified before my first lesson in Mendoza but only because teaching was unfamiliar, unknown. My dream of writing professionally is like an old friend, but the active pursuit is new and terrifying. Yet where there is fear, there is energy, and where there is energy, there is potential. Fear can be your greatest ally in life and herald the start of incredible transformations.

To my little brother in Montana, myself and everyone out there undergoing a time of transformation or transition: remember to let your fear empower you. Remember that things can never improve until they change.