Something Comes Loose

From 9/25:

Often when I attend yoga class after a prolonged absence, I feel something bubble up inside of me that seems to have been lying dormant. A kind of evil, or sorrow, that I didn’t even know that I wasn’t acknowledging. Some kind of pain that I didn’t realize was buried.

About one month ago, I suffered a mysterious injury to my back. I was sitting at breakfast one pleasant Sunday morning, when I suddenly felt a pain in my lower back. When I stood up to stretch, I lost consciousness and collapsed near the bathrooms. A nice stranger found me and picked me up off the floor, but I was immobilized and largely unable to move for the better part of two weeks. Slowly but surely, I have been working to regain some of my strength, flexibility, and mobility over the course of this last month. It has been a long and frustrating process that I realize is actually relatively short due to my age and determination. So yoga has been off the menu for me for several weeks. Tonight was my first class.

I don’t really know what made me cry tonight, but it happened during the final moments of class, and it was almost as unexpected as my back injury, although I managed to stay conscious. I could feel something give way in my heart, something break loose and come bubbling out of me, literally pushing tears out of my eye sockets. I am sad, underneath it all.

I am sad because I am afraid, and I am lonely. Yet I have been so blessed since my return from abroad; in finding a job, making new friends, getting a great new apartment. I am ashamed to admit my sadness. I know I should count my blessings, and I do! However, I think there is danger in locking away your ill feelings. I must speak its name, or I will continue to carry around a load that is much too heavy for me.

I am sad, and I am lonely. I am tired of striving alone in this life. I miss having a partner, and I wish I didn’t have to do this alone. “This” being life- the act of living. I so value having someone to share my time and energy, my stories, with that I feel so empty and sad now that I come home to my own lonely space each night.

This is exactly what I was afraid of when I thought about moving. I was afraid I would spend all my time worrying about how to find someone to share it with. Did I make a mistake, or this a necessary passage to a better place?