Last week I turned 26. Today, I aced my admissions interview for the MAT program at Concordia. Tonight, I declined my acceptance to Portland State University's Applied Linguistics program. Tomorrow, I will chop off all my hair. As I begin to understand "my future" as nothing more or less than my present, I am calling on the universe to teach me to be fearless. This year feels like an odyssey, and I am starting to feel more and more like Odysseus all the time.
25 was one of the best years of my life. This is remarkable because nothing much happened last year. I moved home, I got a job. I moved into my first apartment of my own. I paid my bills, although I don't seem to have made much progress on my debts. I dated quite a lot. I was alone even more. Mostly, I learned a lot about myself. I suspect that I learned how to love myself, just a little. I definitely learned how to take ownership and responsibility for my life. I learned how to be organized and how to deal with deadlines properly. I went a little further down the path of the conscious cultivation of self-awareness. That was my big priority at 25, and it defined my year. It was awesome. It sucked sometimes too, but it made me feel more self-possessed and capable than ever before.
Now, 26 stretches out before me and promises great challenges. I am going to graduate school (fingers crossed), to earn a state teaching license. What I'll do with it when I'm done, god only knows! I'm moving in with a boyfriend, again (fingers crossed!). What will happen when we actually cohabitate, god only knows.I'm going to Burning Man! What will happen out in that desert... you get the point. Basically, after a year spent reflecting and reevaluating, 26 is shaping up to be a year of action and adventure. I hope 26 will teach me even more about myself, but I know that this year of action will require me to take big risks and be fearless if I want to succeed.
The hardest part about 26 will probably be the uncertainty of the future. I must be comfortable (or at least feel neutral) with the idea of planning for a future I cannot fully envision. I don't have a five year plan, I don't have a clear career path or a goal of marriage and family. My only goal is to create as many options for myself and possible and then wait to see what the universe will bring. It took me the better part of 25 to come to terms with this. I'm sure I will continue to struggle with it this year. I can only hope to find a way to balance my nervousness about the uncertainty with a little hope and faith in the beauty of serendipity. I am planning for a future that I could never imagine.
In the spirit of fearlessness, I have been eschewing safe options. I have been confidently choosing what feels right, even if it doesn't look like the most certain thing. I have not yet been accepted into my MAT program of choice, but I turned down my acceptance to PSU. I haven't had any luck at all finding a new house with Colin, but I have not given up on the idea or modified my vision for a community space. And tomorrow, I will cut my hair very short even though my last foray into pixie land was a disaster. Over the past year, I have managed to find the challenge and opportunity in staying put. I have experienced the drama of maintaining relationships that last longer than a year. I have gotten bored and bitter about my job, then come to back to a place of love and gratitude. I know that I can take on 26 as a fearless, confident woman. I am growing up all the time. I am finally starting to understand "my future" as me, right now, AND whoever I might become later.
Thanks for all the love and support these last 26 years!
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