In Love

Ten Things I Need to Understand So That I Can Be In Love, Now or in the Future:

1- The precious nature of time. I need more time to love myself. Time to develop and grow, to be curious and to follow whatever inspires me. Time to understand myself, my motivations, and my desires. Time to appreciate my desires and to cultivate appreciation for what I am doing right now.

2- Balance. Any relationship needs to seek balance at the core. Each moment I need to strive to find and maintain balance. I should not try to accommodate large emotional swings. Every time I feel bad, I need to identify the origin and find the counterpoint. Don’t be afraid to take some time to search for these counterpoints, but don’t put it off. It is vitally important that balance is maintained, and allowed to grow and flourish, always.

3- Beauty. I need to feel beautiful so that I can see the beauty in him and in the world at large. Remember that this was one of the ten things I loved most about myself. I am beautiful, and I need to remember to identify the true reasons why, not get caught in the trap of external definitions. This is absolutely imperative if I want to foster healthy sex, and understand what might lie beyond. Sex and love are NOT about validation. They are NOT about ego. They are NOT about expectations. They are NOT about gratification. Love and sex are life-affirming and have the power to make the world simply more beautiful. By opening us up to the possibilities that lie beyond pleasure, craving, and gratification, love allows us to experience the ecstasy and simplicity of true beauty, and its myriad sources.

4- Happiness. Work toward happiness. While it is true that all emotions are valid and should never be hidden or denied, negative emotions should not be dwelled upon, or allowed to grow and poison moments in the present. Feel them, acknowledge them, and work toward releasing them. Do NOT welcome them, shelter them, and feed them. There is nothing to lose by working toward happiness, and everything to lose by working against it. Despair is the worst thing in the world, and should never be embraced, no matter how discouraged I feel.

5- Aid and support. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, or clarify a need. This should never be framed as an accusation, and should never be taken as one. Reacting to a request for help or an explanation of need by feeling bad about myself is all EGO. It’s not about me in this moment. Listen with your whole heart and focus only on what your partner needs from you, not your perceived failures or mistakes.

6- Appreciation = connection. Don’t forget this. If you are feeling disconnected, try to express appreciation for your partner, never frustration with the situation. Be love to feel love (thanks Rena).

7- Giving freely. This is also the core. Don’t forget it. Don’t do anything you don’t want to do, don’t give anything with strings attached. Accept love graciously and trust that it is given freely. Trust in your partner. Help them trust in you through open communication.

8- The struggles of communication. Sometimes we don’t communicate very well in words. Words are imperfect, and they often fail to convey our true feelings. They are also cunning- they have dual meanings, connotations and personal attachments- sometimes we think we communicated well but the other person received a completely different message. Don’t forget that there are many other ways to communicate. Diversify your communication methods to ensure better understanding. This also helps to develop empathy and compassion by forcing us to be innovative and perceptive. Don’t despair if the message isn’t received- innovate to find a better form. Also, don’t despair if the message seems hurtful, ask for a different form.

9- Energy. Be more sensitive and perceptive of your individual energy levels. Try to meet in the middle, not “match” each other. Sometimes one of us must be more adaptive than the other, but again the goal should be a balanced state NOT an extreme adjustment. Energy is more than exhaustion or strength. Energy is the life force that moves us and it affects our mood, desire, patience, compassion, and creativity. Learning to better perceive and respect your partner’s energy level can allow you to connect more fully and quickly, understand their needs, and respond to their struggles in the most compassionate way.

10- Honesty. So much more than simply “telling the truth”, honesty is being true to ourselves. Knowing what you want and pursuing it is a form of honesty. But so is NOT knowing what you want, and learning how to find sincere contentment with life as it is right now. Honesty is recognizing our own imperfections as well as our beauty and strength. Never let disappointment, fear, or resentment obscure the beautiful qualities of yourself and others. Never let the false promises of the external world make you feel inadequate. Never judge yourself or your partner by any standard other than your own. Never compare yourself to others, or to your partner. All of these things create false impressions, which leave ripples of doubt and self-loathing in our consciousness. Honesty is the simple wisdom to know the true image from the reflection.