Lately, I think I've felt a little bit duped by life. Like so many young people, I was raised to believe that life in my 20's would be fun, fulfilling, and full of hope and momentum. At 26, I have not yet found this to be very true. No one told me life would be this difficult, this uncertain, and at times this heartbreaking, when I was growing up. Why would they, right? But I kinda wish someone had been more honest with me along the line, so that I could have done away with these unreasonable expectations of a "great time" in my 20's.
To clarify, I have had many incredible experiences and I found life in college to be a revelation. I have learned to be more fearless, persistent, open-minded, responsible, professional, and personable in my 20's. I have learned how to be a better friend, daughter, sister, lover, and employee. I have learned to love myself in ways I once thought impossible and to support myself through obstacles that seemed insurmountable. It certainly hasn't been bad or unproductive these last 5.5 years; it just hasn't been very much fun. It has been a lot of work, a lot of heartache and difficult decisions. More than anything, it has been a lot of agonizing over uncertainties. In some ways, I feel like I have had an abusive relationship with my 20's- surviving beatings of all forms only to be drawn back in with a crumb of proffered hope for a future plan, then beaten down again. Over and over, I've tried to love, to choose a career, to find a place to live, to build strong friendships and support networks, and again and again I've seen all of my well-laid plans crumble completely at my feet. I pick up the pieces and find a new way, always, but how long will this abuse last? When is it my turn to have some fun?
I know I'm not the only who feels this way. I don't actually know anyone in their 20's who feels like they are having fun. Lately, I've started to see many people in their early 30's who already seem nostalgic about their 20's. I would believe them had I not been present at their heartbreaks and hangups, their false starts and agonized decisions. We all have so many setbacks at this time in our lives, but the hardest part is just NOT KNOWING.
I don't know what to do 90% of my life. I don't know what career, school program, job, apartment, boyfriend... to choose. I don't know how to pay my rent, my student debt, my credit card debt, my electric bill, my health expenses, my monthly food bill. I don't how to maintain friendships when people are at such drastically different points in life- some married with children, some just getting married, some divorced, some unemployed, some making it big, some living with their parents, some still partying and abusing drugs, some abstinent and living in religious communities, some actively protesting the government and some working on capitol hill. I don't know how to be satisfied with my job or ask for a better position when I look around me and see no standard or precedent to follow; some of my friends are toiling away at unpaid internships while others are buying houses. I don't know if I should seriously be seeking marriage or a committed partnership or if I should just be at peace with the uncertainty of my current relationship. I don't know if I should push for more or be content with what I have. I don't know what my life will look like next year, or even next month. I don't know what to believe anymore, and I don't know who to ask for help. I just don't know. I just don't know.
It isn't very much fun to live with all this uncertainty. I carry around a low level of worry and stress at all times. I have erratic swings in my self-image; feeling successful one day and like a huge mess the next. I am constantly seeking guidance and direction and I've become strangely superstitious as a result; I see signs in everything around me. These days, the world is like a giant magic 8 ball and I am wandering around, throwing questions at the universe and trying frantically to glimpse the answer as it surfaces from the black gloom.
But can life with so much uncertainty also be fun? As much as I worry and wonder about my future, I suspect that I might also one day stress about having things more concrete and settled (if that ever happens) and long for the tumult and indecision of these turbulent years. I think this is what I hear in the nostalgia of my 30-something peers: a gentle desire for not knowing again. I think what makes it so hard to endure the suffering of uncertainty now is the sheer number of things about which I know nothing. I have never really felt secure in any major aspect of my life: love, profession, money, friendships- all of these feel simultaneously uncertain and unstable. I just want one thing to depend on, to cling to in this tempest.
As I continue to explore my nagging sense of loneliness, I know that this desire for a rock is at the core of my feelings of isolation. With everything in my life so uncertain, I feel like I'm living all alone in the eye of the storm. Everything rages around me, always shifting, always changing direction and form, while I feel like I'm not moving or progressing at all. I suspect that by the time things start to feel more secure and the wind dies down a bit, I will be able to look behind me and see what an incredible distance I really covered in so many ways. But that doesn't make it much easier to feel confident in my decisions now, or feel hopeful about my future turning out ok. I just don't know, and not knowing renders me emotionally blind.
I've started reading a book called "Life Gets Better" by Wendy Lustbader, one of my sister's grad school professors at University of Washington. As you might guess, it is a whole book about this struggle! Read it if you find some synergy in my words here, it contains a lot of wisdom. I'll share a quote with you and leave you to think:
"The quest to be somebody, to stand out from the crowd, can become injurious to the spirit...If we secure some kind of status, we usually do not grant ourselves the peace of savoring what we have achieved... Aging becomes a profound equalizer as getting older reveals what we hold in common. We see through the arbitrary divisions and designations of status, realizing that the only real difference between people is how readily we each embrace our shared humanity. Life gets so much lighter."
I ache for a little lightness in my life, yet I want to believe that I don't have to wait for age to gift it to me. I want to seek out greater lightness, a freedom from the tyranny and terror of not knowing who I am, what I want, or how to survive, and simply learn to be at peace with my own humanity. I want this now, at 26. I want this now and from this point forward. I want to be the master of the storm.
To clarify, I have had many incredible experiences and I found life in college to be a revelation. I have learned to be more fearless, persistent, open-minded, responsible, professional, and personable in my 20's. I have learned how to be a better friend, daughter, sister, lover, and employee. I have learned to love myself in ways I once thought impossible and to support myself through obstacles that seemed insurmountable. It certainly hasn't been bad or unproductive these last 5.5 years; it just hasn't been very much fun. It has been a lot of work, a lot of heartache and difficult decisions. More than anything, it has been a lot of agonizing over uncertainties. In some ways, I feel like I have had an abusive relationship with my 20's- surviving beatings of all forms only to be drawn back in with a crumb of proffered hope for a future plan, then beaten down again. Over and over, I've tried to love, to choose a career, to find a place to live, to build strong friendships and support networks, and again and again I've seen all of my well-laid plans crumble completely at my feet. I pick up the pieces and find a new way, always, but how long will this abuse last? When is it my turn to have some fun?
I know I'm not the only who feels this way. I don't actually know anyone in their 20's who feels like they are having fun. Lately, I've started to see many people in their early 30's who already seem nostalgic about their 20's. I would believe them had I not been present at their heartbreaks and hangups, their false starts and agonized decisions. We all have so many setbacks at this time in our lives, but the hardest part is just NOT KNOWING.
I don't know what to do 90% of my life. I don't know what career, school program, job, apartment, boyfriend... to choose. I don't know how to pay my rent, my student debt, my credit card debt, my electric bill, my health expenses, my monthly food bill. I don't how to maintain friendships when people are at such drastically different points in life- some married with children, some just getting married, some divorced, some unemployed, some making it big, some living with their parents, some still partying and abusing drugs, some abstinent and living in religious communities, some actively protesting the government and some working on capitol hill. I don't know how to be satisfied with my job or ask for a better position when I look around me and see no standard or precedent to follow; some of my friends are toiling away at unpaid internships while others are buying houses. I don't know if I should seriously be seeking marriage or a committed partnership or if I should just be at peace with the uncertainty of my current relationship. I don't know if I should push for more or be content with what I have. I don't know what my life will look like next year, or even next month. I don't know what to believe anymore, and I don't know who to ask for help. I just don't know. I just don't know.
It isn't very much fun to live with all this uncertainty. I carry around a low level of worry and stress at all times. I have erratic swings in my self-image; feeling successful one day and like a huge mess the next. I am constantly seeking guidance and direction and I've become strangely superstitious as a result; I see signs in everything around me. These days, the world is like a giant magic 8 ball and I am wandering around, throwing questions at the universe and trying frantically to glimpse the answer as it surfaces from the black gloom.
But can life with so much uncertainty also be fun? As much as I worry and wonder about my future, I suspect that I might also one day stress about having things more concrete and settled (if that ever happens) and long for the tumult and indecision of these turbulent years. I think this is what I hear in the nostalgia of my 30-something peers: a gentle desire for not knowing again. I think what makes it so hard to endure the suffering of uncertainty now is the sheer number of things about which I know nothing. I have never really felt secure in any major aspect of my life: love, profession, money, friendships- all of these feel simultaneously uncertain and unstable. I just want one thing to depend on, to cling to in this tempest.
As I continue to explore my nagging sense of loneliness, I know that this desire for a rock is at the core of my feelings of isolation. With everything in my life so uncertain, I feel like I'm living all alone in the eye of the storm. Everything rages around me, always shifting, always changing direction and form, while I feel like I'm not moving or progressing at all. I suspect that by the time things start to feel more secure and the wind dies down a bit, I will be able to look behind me and see what an incredible distance I really covered in so many ways. But that doesn't make it much easier to feel confident in my decisions now, or feel hopeful about my future turning out ok. I just don't know, and not knowing renders me emotionally blind.
I've started reading a book called "Life Gets Better" by Wendy Lustbader, one of my sister's grad school professors at University of Washington. As you might guess, it is a whole book about this struggle! Read it if you find some synergy in my words here, it contains a lot of wisdom. I'll share a quote with you and leave you to think:
"The quest to be somebody, to stand out from the crowd, can become injurious to the spirit...If we secure some kind of status, we usually do not grant ourselves the peace of savoring what we have achieved... Aging becomes a profound equalizer as getting older reveals what we hold in common. We see through the arbitrary divisions and designations of status, realizing that the only real difference between people is how readily we each embrace our shared humanity. Life gets so much lighter."
I ache for a little lightness in my life, yet I want to believe that I don't have to wait for age to gift it to me. I want to seek out greater lightness, a freedom from the tyranny and terror of not knowing who I am, what I want, or how to survive, and simply learn to be at peace with my own humanity. I want this now, at 26. I want this now and from this point forward. I want to be the master of the storm.
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